Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
