You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
