My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
