dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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