All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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