She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Panties = found
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