I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
