did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
