If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
