better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize