today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
