nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
