the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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