I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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