Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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