Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
pray to the hookup gods
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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