ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
