Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
