One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
