3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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