winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Can you bring me the toilet please
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
