I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
