I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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