something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I supernannyed him into submission
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
