Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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