I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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