So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
