If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
whose ass print is on the piano?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
