Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
