This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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