It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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