i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
