we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
