I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
