Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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