Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
