I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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