hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
