Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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