My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I woke up under a house in Key West
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
