i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
