Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
