there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
