she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
