Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
