Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Text me some of your sweat
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
