This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
