the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
