I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
