I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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