I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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