I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
