Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
