her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
