i just made my gag reflex go away.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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