just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
