"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
