I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
