Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
