i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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