i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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