So drunk its hurt
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
