you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
