I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
