Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
