Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
