Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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