I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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