I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
