i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
