i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
